A True to Life 'Prayers for Bobby' Story

In the event you watched Prayers for Bobby last night (on Saturday), you may feel that the drama in the story was hard to understand. Sure, Bobby had endured a lot of pressure and religious bigotry from his family but there came a time when he left home, lived in a big city, and found a handsome lover. And yet, in the middle of his success, he committed suicide. What kind of emotional baggage would there be that would follow someone once they left the abuse situation?

This afternoon I found this story on The Bilerico Project about a Trevor Project helpline (a teen suicide prevention hotline). Reading the story, you are left wondering about the situation, what turmoil the kid must have endured, and ultimately, as the story ends, so does our knowledge of what happened next. For some kids, this is a resonating story. What a tragedy!

+++

Editor's Note: "Stories from the Helpline" is a recurring feature on The Bilerico Project, bringing in the personal accounts of Helpline counselors from The Trevor Project. The Trevor Project is a non-profit organization that operates the only nationwide, around-the-clock crisis and suicide prevention helpline for LGBTQ youth. This installment comes from Kenny Ballinger, a volunteer Helpline counselor on The Trevor Helpline. He volunteers at The Randy Stone West Coast Call Center in Los Angeles.

I wanted to share with you about an experience that changed my life, the day I realized that my problems seemed to hold no value compared to those in need or the youth who call The Trevor Helpline.

On January 1, 2009 I arrived at the Randy Stone Call Center in Los Angeles, aka The Trevor Project, West Coast Call Center. Over the past few weeks I had worked roughly 4 prior shifts, all in which superseded another; in call volume and true help line calls.

The phone rang, and knowing that we've learned to expect the unexpected- I answered, "The Trevor Helpline, this is Kenny- what's going on?" My caller, in a calm, confident, juvenile tone replied with a simple question: "What's this line for?" I casually replied with a paraphrased mission-like statement of what The Trevor Project was: "Well, we're the only nationwide LGBTQ Youth Suicide Prevention/Crisis Hotline" I quickly added "What's your name buddy?" He quickly said "I'm Marcus."

Marcus was 16 years old living in the great state of Texas - Houston to be exact. During the first 5 minutes of casual talk with Marcus, he didn't sound distraught; he didn't sound like he was in a crisis - and what I mean by that is that his breathing was well-paced, no emotions were evident, nor was his talking irrationally. When I asked Marcus why he was calling the helpline, he calmly stated he was just checking it out.

It seemed the call was moving at a slow pace, as Marcus did not allow me much opportunity to project the direction of his call, as his thoughts and emotions were very much neutral. I casually reminded Marcus that he was calling a crisis suicide prevention hotline and was curious to know if he was in a crisis. "No," he replied. "Did something happen tonight that you needed to talk about?" I asked. "Nothing in particular," he stated. "Have you ever thought about killing yourself, Marcus?" I asked. "All the time," he said. "Are you thinking about taking your life tonight, Marcus?" I asked. He said ever so casually, "Yes, I've come to peace and I called looking for permission to take my life."

I had to ask myself, "Did I hear him right? He just asked for permission to kill himself, but yet he didn't hesitate in his breath, his sentence, not a tear, no sign of emotion."

I allowed a moment for silence, so he and I could both comprehend his comment. I then allowed an additional moment for him to perhaps clarify his comment. However Marcus said nothing, he was confident in his gesture. I replied in a tone as if he'd asked for a drink of water, and said "Well, Marcus, I unfortunately cannot give you permission to kill yourself, but why don't you tell me about these thoughts you have and where or what they come from?" His simple remark was that "I've had enough- that it was time for me to die." I've worked many shifts, but no caller has ever captured me in a call with very little emotion, let alone none at all, as Marcus was easily portraying.

I truly believed that Marcus needed a shoulder to cry on, a person to talk to, a friend to listen, but more importantly not to be judged. I assured Marcus that he could talk to me about what was bothering him so much, but he quickly declined stating that "there's nothing more to talk about," that he was the happiest he had been in such a long time.

Marcus's story was that of years of pain, suffering, neglect, tears, and hate. He felt that he was a stranger in his home with his parents and four younger siblings. He was told on a regular basis that he had demons inside his soul because he was gay. His step-father encouraged his siblings to spit on him, as if he was scum and did not deserve to be treated as a person. His mother treated him as an inconvenience to her life, telling him that she wished he would just go away. Marcus even had the clarity to tell me that they were supposedly a religious family, but he believed they were hypocrites, as they denied him acceptance and he was a child of God, as they are.

Marcus told me that at a young age he felt that he was different. That around the age of 9 he knew he was different, but didn't know how to identify these feelings. When he finally recognized himself and identified as gay, he was only 13. When Marcus told me this, I instantly commended him for being so brave and powerful in the ability to identify who he was and sharing that with others. Marcus felt that his self-revelation had caused more grief and pain than feeling good about himself.

After Marcus had felt that he could trust me, nearly an hour into the call, he continued with his vision of death, his story of why he had no tears left within his soul - his prior suicide attempts with pills and a knife and his experiences with cutting himself for pleasure. I quickly realized that he was truly seeking closure or "permission" to end his life. This was the fine line of determining whether or not this was a high-risk or a rescue call. Marcus was 16 years old and had enough with it all - he didn't need a reason to live, he needed a reason not to die. He had this vision of his afterlife; this life that would consist of happiness- no gods or goddesses, but purity and equality.

I could not believe how rational Marcus was sounding. He was so sure that this was the only option left. He told me that he had tried everything. In fact, January 1, 2008 he made the decision that he'd wait one more year, to fight on. To fight for being treated better than being spat on, or being told he was full of demons, or just to be loved by his own family. Unfortunately, that year had approached; he had planned for this day, he knew that nothing was going to change; he knew that his time had come to take his own life.

I called for rescue support an hour and a half into the call. It took just as long for them to arrive at Marcus's doorstep. I was working with two other Trevor Counselors, who showed that The Trevor Project isn't a one man team. Together they supported me in my every effort and action, and my direction of the conversation, with creative ideas on how to identify the caller's apartment number.

Roughly during the second hour of our conversation, Marcus asked me what I would do if he would kill himself shortly after we spoke. He asked how I would feel if he attempted to kill himself with me on the phone. Could I continue to do the work that I do, knowing that he killed himself?

I was not prepared to answer such questions. But then I felt that I was. I suddenly told Marcus, that yes in fact I could continue the work that The Trevor Helpline is known for. That if he had killed himself, that I would be hurt. That I would be devastated, because it would tell me that we still live a world where families can neglect children because of ignorance and selfishness. I told him that no matter what happened, that I would never forget him. That he had left a mark on my soul- that he changed my life. That it was calls like his that are the reasons I volunteer with The Trevor Helpline.

At that moment I got a message from my co-counselor that Houston Police Department should be there any minute. Then I heard someone knocking on his bedroom door. Marcus asked if I could wait a moment, so that he could check who was at the door. I heard talking in the background asking, "Who are you talking to?" He honestly replied, "The Trevor Project." There was a pause, then "The Police are here and want to talk to you." Marcus came back on the line. He said with the only emotion he'd shown over three hours of talking "Kenny, the police are here and they want to talk to me." At that very moment I told Marcus that I was worried for him, that I cared for his safety and that I wanted him to talk to the police and tell them what he had told me.

Marcus's story is all too familiar with the LGBTQ youth. However, the lack of emotion proved he was tired of fighting, that he wanted to give up at 16 years of age. Marcus used the metaphor during our conversation that some people get the easy road, while others get the hard road. He had felt he got the hard road. He knew perhaps not as hard as some, but he was too weak to keep fighting. I attempted to assure Marcus that with the support of The Trevor Project, we could keep fighting together. A great peer that I have befriended at The Trevor Project has, in my opinion, the two most powerful words that we stand for on the closing of every e-mail: Fight On.

The words "Fight On" are symbolic in the work that we do, the life that we live, the tragedies of today's equality movement. "Fight On" means more than fighting for what we believe in, but to never give up and to never settle; to encourage others to do the same. That each road we may be presented with is only hard when we do it alone. If we Fight On together with the support of each other; together we can make a difference.

Fight On.

Rosa Sat

Written and performed by Amy Dixon-Kolar (c) 2008 Asharta Music/ASCAP. This was written a few days after November 4, 2008 and was inspired by the quote used as the chorus and the celebrations and photos of this historic day.



h/t Jeanny House

Prayers for Bobby Airs Tonight

You may have read my earlier post about the made-for-tv movie Prayers for Bobby. The movie is based on Leroy Adam's book by the same name. If you get this in time, the movie airs tonight on Lifetime (channel 45 on Cablevision in Bergen County, NJ) at 9:00 PM.

I Pledge

I found this on Facebook this morning but couldn't post it here until I found it on YouTube. It's pretty inspiring.

The Dangers of the Closet

A post has been brewing in my head since I read this morning that disgraced former pastor Ted Haggard had other gay relationships. One relationship in particular involved a volunteer at the church he pastored. As the story goes, the relationship lasted "a long time" but when it came to light after Haggard's sordid prostitution story broke, the church paid the man's counseling bills and COLLEGE TUITION (what's up with that?!) to keep things quiet. Also, the church seems confident that the young man was over 18 when the relationship with Haggard occurred (but they not entirely certain).

The thoughts in my head isn't over Haggard, per say, but over the power of the closet and what happens when a person allows themselves to justify the need for it.

When I attended a prominent Southern Baptist seminary (before I eventually left and transfered to a prominent liberal seminary in the East), I was both closeted and out, but in a variety of ways. My family knew I was gay and I was part of the unofficial 'gay underground' at the school; however, the school and church I served did not know. I was terrified at the thought of the school finding out because I knew I would be immediately expelled. When I was outed by another student (in a way that I should have expected), I consulted a close friend (who I had dated previously) who used to serve as the secretary to the Vice President of Student Affairs about how to handle the situation. He gave me incredible advice that caused some strain but ultimately didn't get me expelled (as the result of a lesser known stipulation in the disciplinary rules). My friend told me my situation wasn't unique and that nearly 100 students per year were kicked out of the school for being gay. That's a lot of students, even for one of the the largest seminaries in the world.

Anyways, my rant is somewhat directed at myself and what would have happened if I was not seen cavorting in a known gay neighborhood in a nearby city by a student spy sent there to discover students of the seminary? What would have happened to me if I made it past the radar, having graduated and served a growing congregation somewhere in the South to Midwest? What if I married and had children? Would the gay experiences and feeling have gone away upon marrying and serving a church? Haggard's story illustrates that marriage and servitude doesn't make the 'homo go away'. Haggard's story also illustrates that 'praying away the gay' won't make it go away either.

Next week, Haggard will be starring in an upcoming documentary called, The Trials of Ted Haggard, which begins airing on HBO. Interestingly Haggard will be promoting this documentary with guest appearance on Larry King Live and the Oprah Winfrey show. I am guessing those appearances will garner dynmite ratings (admittedly I plan to watch them too). What interests me about the documentary is the presumed acknowledgement that inspite of counseling after his affair was exposed, he still maintains that his same-sex feelings are still there and need to be managed accordingly. He also lamblasts his former church for treating him so badly after his fall and, a bit unexpectedly, endoreses same-sex legal and unions while also explaining that "marriage" belongs to a man and woman (which, in my opinion, changes the tune of the documentary from self-promotion to self-revelation, which can be a good thing).

Now, I am not the kind of minister who could ever found a mega-church or interest large numbers of Christians to come here me preach. But in some ways, when I look at Haggard, I wonder to myself what would have happened if I wasn't outed and left the Southern Baptist church. Would I have been eventually discovered? Outed? Shamed? Would the situation have been my fault for deceiving myself and others? Would I have publically condemned homosexuality but privately engaged in it? My questions are surely rheortical.

And yet I know that I wasn't alone. I know of many, many seminary students who are going into a situation just like Haggard's. While I was so angry over being outed, today I am somewhat grateful for the experience--although I do wish it had gone a bit smoother. For all the conservative forces to expunge its gay folks from its institutions, it may seem cruel and harsh. The fact is, while those institutions are primarily covering their tails, the experience actually benefits the students more. It gets them out of there and from the situation that justifies their closetedness.

Today I am pastoring a congregation in New Jersey as an openly gay and partnered man. The seminary I ultimately transfered to, away from my Baptist one, accepted me as an openly gay man and allowed me to write my Master's thesis on developing a new gay theology. I say all this to say that what Haggard and others need to know, once they come to terms with their sexual orientation, is that if you feel called to ministry, there are options outside of your current faith traditions that will honor and affirm your place in ministry. And for gawd sakes, get out while you still can before you cause yourself, a future family, and a church a world of abuse, hurt, and shame.

Finley Tinnin, Rest in Peace

Today I learned from a post on the Baptist Temple Facebook page that my childhood pastor, the Rev. Dr. Finley Tinnin, died yesterday. Tears have welt up in my eyes as I think back on such a wonderful and loving pastor--one who was both a sympathetic leader and one who was also a bit aloof to a 15-year old kid curious about what life in the ministry would look like, as I first knew him.

I have these images in my head of his pastor's study. In it, books on walnut stained bookshelves surrounded the office. His dark wooden desk met any visitor as they entered his space, his place. The study was what you'd imagine a 1950's era study would look like (even though it was the early 80's). It was warm, neat, and organized (unlike my study). Sitting behind the desk but rising as I would come in, I was scared witless (for whatever reason, I felt like I was talking with a prophet whenever I spoke with him). He would extend a hand, gester for me to sit down with a smile gently which would put me at ease (somewhat).

I began going to see him after my Christian conversion. Afterall, it was he who baptized me. And, I felt a unique bond to him after the baptismal episode where, once immersed beneath the water, he tried to lift me up (all 6'9" of me) and me, upon his direction, moving my back leg so that I helped raise me up from the waters. The only thing, when I tried to do this, my foot slipped and we both fell back into the water, arms flaying, water spewing, and laughter erupting from the entire congregation.

Following my baptism, I immersed myself into the life of the church. I went to Sunday school, Sunday morning church and Sunday evening church. I went to Wednesday night youth night and Friday night prayer time. I attended Falls Creek Baptist Assembly and any and all church-related activities. And I did it because I wanted to do so. I loved Baptist Temple, Dr. Tinnin and my youth pastor, Steve McNeil.

Within a year, I began to have a sense that I belonged in ministry. As a result, Dr. Tinnin and I spoke often about my interpretation of this "call to ministry"--sometimes he'd refer me to my youth pastor, at other times, he'd quiz me about my intentions. When I turned 16 and I was still coming to see him, and somewhat convinced that this wasn't a passing phase, he led to me teach. Believing that an ability and love of teaching were always the confirmation that a person has been called to ministry, he directed me to teach Sunday school. From then on, I demonstrated a love and an ability for teaching that confirmed for him my place in ministry. And that began my lifelong journey in ministry.

Many years later, when I attended college after a stint in the US Air Force, Dr. Tinnin was my reference to a job where I was the Assistant Chaplain at the local Baptist Nursing Home, where I led worship and visited the residents. It was a ministry I held for 3-years and loved every minute of it. When Dr. Tinnin recommended me to the position, he told me what he wrote. He said, "If Bo wants to do this, he'll do a super job. You'll be glad you have him." I remember thinking how interesting a recommendation that was and how true I felt it represented me.

Since that time, much of my life and faith have changed. I doubt Dr. Tinnin would have recognized me today, had we kept in touch. Years and life experiences led me away from home and yet a part of home has always remained with me. I have thought of Dr. Tinnin when I have preached a long sermon (he tended to do that often) or when some crisis needs availing, I ask myself how he would have handled it (he was the consumate peacemaker).

I will miss Dr. Tinnin as will countless others who have been inspired by him. Many will remember his gentle ways, his deep convictions, and his faithfulness in ministry. As just about anyone who knew will tell you, there was something warm and amazing about him. And yet, for as long as I knew him, I didn't really ever know him well. But I think of him and know that he affected me in ways that no other person has done. He was kind and really good at what he did--and he did what he did for a loooooooong time. I hope that my ministry will be as long as fruitful as his was.

Favorite Movie Quotes

Can you name the movie?

"Mawage... Mawage is what bwings us togther today. Mawage... that bwessed awangement... that dweam within a dweam! Wove, twue wove..."

Prayers for Bobby

On January 24th, Lifetime will air a movie based on the bestselling and incredibly sad book, Prayers for Bobby. If the movie is as good as the trailer and follows the book, this will be an incredible movie. Signorney Weaver stars as Mary Griffith, Bobby's mom.

I remember reading the book over a decade ago and having to put it down after each chapter because I was crying so hard. Seriously, it'll rip your heart out. The book chronicles the life of Bobby Griffith up to his suicide and shows how his family reacted to his self-identification as a young gay man. What makes the book so revealing is that Bobby kept a diary. In it, he reveals his self-loathing and the reader understands his sadness as he takes his own life. But the story doesn't end there--it continues on in the life of his mother. The book explains and shows her own personal transformation to become a leader in PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays).

The Thin Line

Most people know the old addage, 'The difference between love and hate is a thin line.' The vigor one has for someone they love can sour into the same passionate response as experienced as hate. Anyone who has ever loved someone more than anything they've ever imagined--and then, hated that very same person when their love ended can testify to this strange but true reality.

And, we don't have to look to relationship gone bad to see a modern example of this phenomena. We only need turn to Barack Obama's decision to have Rick Warren pray his inauguration. Just a month ago, the tide of pride and hoopla surrounding his election was heard the world over. Who'd've thunk he'd ever get elected? Liberals, gay folks, and moderate America was celebrating like no other. Coming off 8-years of President Bush, America was ecstatic over Obama.

And just as bright and shiny as the celebration began, it is fizzling with the same intensity. And, why? Because a politician, who never supported gay marriage in the first place, picked an evangelical who has said horrible things about gay marriage but supports civil partnerships, just as Obama does. They have a common issue, granting legal rights to gay folks--but using different language to justify it. And, to Obama's credit, he picked a liberal the Reverend Dr. Joseph E. Lowery, a wonderful liberal in his own right who does support gay marriage, to end his inauguration. In this way, he is sandwiching himself between religious extremes hoping to be the middle ground in American politics.

Unfortunately what Obama didn't expect is that in American religion, nothing is worse than being 'luke-warm' and in politics luke-warm often equals 'middle ground'. He is learning that his position will offend both sides of the religious debate. To Obama's credit though, he doesn't seem to care. He is forging ahead doing what he thinks is the right thing and, I would agree. But then, I know that Obama is a politician and not a prophet.

Maybe some liberals were hoping for an opposite-President to everything Bush wasn't. Such an idea is misguided at best and naively ignorant at worst. However, from the looks of things, it sure looks like liberal America put their hopes in Obama in a way that is disengenuous to any healthy relationship by championing him as their savior in American politics. It won't take long (and we can already see that) as bitterness will surely follow. It's a shame though, Obama hasn't even stepped foot in office and we've already turned on him.

I shudder to think what'll happen when Obama disappoints us again (and, he surely will). Will we call for impeachment if we discover an unpleasant secret of his? Will we impeach him because he still smokes cigarettes?

Seriously, we're blowing this thing WAY out of proportion. We elected Obama because we wanted something different in Washington. Let's give him a chance to show us something different rather than just more of the same sort of 'its us against them' mentality that has continued to divide us as a nation.

Obama Selecting Warren

If you're a daily blog reader, you've no doubt already read the stink about Obama selecting Rick Warren, the mega-church pastor at Saddleback Church to pray at Obama's inauguration. I have spent the day reading LGBT responses that all say the same thing..."We've been sold out!"

Personally, I am not as offended as most. Obama's a politician (and better than most, in my opinion). He makes his choices for reasons and from what the Obama folks have said, it makes sense they'd choose someone like Warren. I am disappointed that a UCC minister wasn't chosen and that an evangelical like Warren was favored instead. Still, it's all politics, right?

But then, I read a great piece written by Pastor Dan at Street Prophets. This post really hits home for me my feelings of angst but not over-the-top feelings. While I still have trouble with the GD cuss word, this post nails it for me. Seriously, if you haven't already read it, give it a shot. Maybe it'll hit home for you too.

Benny Hinn in a Fun Video

If you know who Benny Hinn is, you might enjoy this short video set to the tune of one of Benny Hill's sketches.

Prop 8 Video

This is a cute and fun short play written about about Prop 8:

See more Jack Black videos at Funny or Die

A Tough Economy

Were the World Mine

Last night, Friday, Jay and I met up with some old friends of mine, Doug and Jose, for a fun evening of dinner, a movie, and coffee and desserts afterwards. We had an all around great time in the Fabulous City (my new name for New York City).

And, I ran into blogging celebrities Josh and Josh while standing in line. I looked over and recognizing them, I said, "Say!! You're Josh of Josh and Josh, right?" We had a nice time talking about the hoopla over the premier of the movie Were the World Mine. It seems every homo in NYC wanted to see this movie and the line was stretched down the block just to get in.

The movie itself was a wonderful experience. It tells a modern interpretation of A Midsummer Night's Dream. To be honest, every other version of that play has confused me...I guess it took a gay subtext to help me understand what was going on. The actors were great and the singing exceptional. And, it had a great ending (I hate movies with tragic endings).

If the movie is playing in your area, you simply must go see it. Below is the trailer for the film.

The Power of Love

Andrew Sullivan posted this email he received from one of his readers. I love it.

I am a 26 year old heterosexual, white male who is in the best relationship of my life. She is a 26 year old Egyptian woman. We're very happy and recently she met most of my family and extended family. They loved her as well. We even hope to marry someday. I am so grateful that I live in a country that would honor that bond. As you know, it wasn't too long ago that our relationship would not be recognized in many states. That being said, I've taken the stand that I do not want to join the institution of marriage until it is one that allows ALL loving couples to join.

This has been met with raised eyebrows by some in my family. It's not really understood why I would care so much about an issue that doesn't affect me directly. But as an American - it absolutely does. I live in a country that will recognize my relationship but won't recognize another.

The reasons are endless. Gay marriage threatens "traditional marriage" (so did my inter-racial relationship once upon a time). The Bible said man should not lie with man (guess what the Bible thought of me being with an Egyptian -yikes). I've had family, whom are genuinely good people, say that it just weird's them out, they are old-fashioned, it's not the way marriage has been for thousands of years (again - look at my relationship - the same was said about couples like us). So it does affect me. The parallels are numerous. I am so lucky I was born into a generation that approves of the love I feel towards her. Yet, I live in the same generation that doesn't approve of yours - at least in the eyes of the State. But we're getting there.

I was once of the same mindset of most of my family. Being gay was wrong. Then I went to The Ohio State University, and guess what? I met gay people. They were nice, they were jerks, they were shy and they were outgoing. My God, they were like me. Familiarity was the key. It was ok for me to accept that lifestyle because it wasn't "foreign" anymore. Progress, as you have said, will be made in not by litigation so much but in our living rooms, with friends and family. I speak very openly on this issue with my family now. They are great people that, frankly, maybe fear what they don't understand. But maybe I can be that connection to an understanding. Maybe seeing how I feel and how it hasn't destroyed my relationships will help them realize - it's ok. They can in one moment look at my girlfriend and I and hope to see us marry - then in the next moment disapprove of another loving couple wanting to do the same. I wish they looked at your love the same way they look at mine.

There's no need to be afraid. Gays aren't here to destroy marriage. They just want to enjoy it, stress about it, succeed at it, fail at it - as much as the rest of us. As a son of divorce, I need something to re-instill my faith in marriage. I hope to marry someday, maybe when all 50 states allow Gay marriage, maybe when my home state of Ohio does, I don't know exactly. But I do know I need to see something. Something that says this institution of marriage isn't of the mindset of your local country club's "white's only" policies. I love golf. Can you imagine me, a man with a Middle-Eastern partner, joining a "Whites Only" institution? Me neither. Once that "sign" comes down - I'll be the first to join. Know hope.

Sex Education Done Better

As perhaps some of you may know, Barack Obama isn't too kean on abstinence only sex education. Even more so, he wants to lift 'abstinence only' education when money is given for AIDS causes and prevention. Since most studies have indicated that 'abstinence only' education simply doesn't work, more folks are looking into ways to help stop the transmission and spread of HIV and other STDs.

Honestly, there are quite a few of us folks who are elated that finally we're going to have a broader canopy of education--to include abstinence and other forms of safe sex education and family planning. What exactly that's going to look at, I don't know. But one thing is may look like is akin to a particular video I just watched called "To Spit or Swallow". The video was found on The Midwest Teen Sex Show, a website written and hosted by a mother who explains that everything she talks about she didn't do, when she was a teenager. CBS did a story on her (where I discovered the website) and explained her controversial subject material. Here is that story.



Check out the Spit or Swallow video below.



h/t the Bilerico Project

Pink: So What?

AOL Sessions have recorded Pink singing a few of her latest hits including the incredibly cool, "So What?" I love Pink. Heck, I even won a prize recently in which I received a promo CD (I thought it was going to be her new CD) from The Bilerico Project's CD giveaway. Still, it's a good promo CD and like I said, I simply love Pink.

Go here to watch the AOL Sessions.

Jay Brannan

Ever since I heard him sing "Soda Shop" in the movie Short Bus, I have been captivated by Jay Brannan. His music is cherubic and has just enough of that 'in your face' attitude from a distinctively talented singer.

Check out the video below. (There is explicit language in the song.)



Go here to download his solo album that is just out on iTunes. And yes, I hate the title of his album.

Keith Olbermann's Special Comment on Prop. 8

This is best heard than commented on.



h/t Towleroad

"Still I Rise"

While I am thrilled Obama got elected, I am not so thrilled that so many anti-gay initiatives passed in states across the country. Putting into a state's constitution religious bigotry just seems so unAmerican. If you're feeling like me, take heart. Dr. Maya Angelou tells us that we will prevail against the haters. An abbreviated version of her poem, "Still I Rise":

You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I'll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops.
Weakened by my soulful cries.

Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don't you take it awful hard
'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines
Diggin' in my own back yard.

You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I'll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I've got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?

Out of the huts of history's shame
I rise
Up from a past that's rooted in pain
I rise
I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.
Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear....
I rise
I rise
I rise.

h/t gay atomic wonk

Are You in the 98% Crowd?

I just got this email sent to me and I did exactly what it said to do and discovered that I have an abnormal mind (which didn't sound like a compliment). So, I am putting it here to see if I am abnormal or if you are...if enough of us are abnormal, wouldn't that mean we're really 'normal' and everyone else is abnormal?

Go ahead, give it a try, and post your answer in the comments section. I'll post how I scored later.

At the end of this message, you are asked a question. Answer it immediately. Don't stop and think about it. Just say the first thing that pops into your mind. This is a fun 'test'... AND kind of spooky at the same time! Give it a try and you'll see how many people you know fall into the same percentage as you. Now - just follow the instructions as quickly as possible. Do not go to the next calculation before you have finished the previous one. You do not ever need to write or remember the answers, just do it using your mind. You'll be surprised. Start: How much is: 15 + 6 21 3 + 56 59 89 + 2 91 12 + 53 65 75 + 26 101 25 + 52 77 63 + 32 95 I know! Calculations are hard work, but it's! nearly over.. Come on, one more! ... 123 + 5 128 QUICK! THINK ABOUT A COLOR AND A TOOL! You just thought about a red hammer , didn't you? If this is not your answer, you are among 2% of people who have a different, if not abnormal, mind. 98% of the folks would answer a red hammer while doing this exercise.

Uncle Sam's Fist Bump

Get Off your Butt

...and go vote already!

This may be one of the most important elections in our lifetime. Whatever direction the outcome, you'll be participating in an historical moment. Either our country is screwed for another four years or change is coming.

Here is my hope that change is gonna come, as sung by Seal. Even if you don't want change to come, it's a great video and song just the same.



h/t Queerty

In Case You Missed It...

... as I did. Here is Barack Obama's 30-minute informercial about his Presidency.

Dirty Tricks

Here is another dirty trick. You know there will be people who fall for this.

h/t joe.my.god

Some Scary Stuff

I am getting all tense with this election. And this video isn't helping. It shows an interview with a Country Clerk about the touch screen voting booths and what happens when the machines get off their calibration. Seriously, this could have serious ramifications.



h/t towleroad

Great Quote

from joe.my.god

"Some insist that there’s very little difference between candidate A and candidate B. Others claim that they’re with A on defense and health care but are leaning toward B when it comes to the economy.

"I look at these people and can’t quite believe that they exist. Are they professional actors? I wonder. Or are they simply laymen who want a lot of attention?

"To put them in perspective, I think of being on an airplane. The flight attendant comes down the aisle with her food cart and, eventually, parks it beside my seat. “Can I interest you in the chicken?” she asks. “Or would you prefer the platter of shit with bits of broken glass in it?”

"To be undecided in this election is to pause for a moment and then ask how the chicken is cooked." - David Sedaris, writing about undecided voters in New Yorker.

Colin Powell: A Racist?

(Click the comic to embiggen it)

Well, Rush Limbaugh is already implying that of him. With Powell's endorsement of Obama, A Town Called Dobson's comic creator has this to say about what we can expect from Powell's endorsement:

I was blown away by Powell’s endorsement of Obama and televised spanking of McCain and Palin. Powell has always had the ability to formulate his sentences in a manner that is plain spoken yet leaves no question about what he said.

John McCain sucks and General Colin Powell knows it.

What will the McCain response will be? I think he can only respond in one way and that is to start tearing down Colin Powell.

So here is my question, how long will it take for someone to call General Colin Powell gay, a Muslim or a socialist?

Limbaugh has already called Powell a racist, so socialist can’t be too far away.

Last Night's Presidential Debate

When McCain and Obama met last night, we were treated to one of the better debates in the campaign. Obama really let us know what he plans to do. Unfortunately, most of McCain's ire was directed against Obama where the issues were simply an after-thought. Below I've posted a video that better represents the distorations of McCain.



thanks to Kenneth in the (212) for the video

Funny Comic

Click on the image to 'biggen' it.

Go here to read more of them. Mind you, they're sometimes confusing as all heck but I do get my daily dose of it through The Bilerico Project.

Is this Sick or What?!

(Bourbonnais, Illinois) An elementary school bus driver has been charged with leading a homophobic attack on a 10-year old student passenger.

The Kankakee Sheriff’s Police Department said that the boy was taunted by the driver who then encouraged other students to chase and beat the child.

Chief Deputy Ken McCabe said the incident occurred on a Bourbonnais Elementary School District bus which was returning students to their homes last Friday.

McCabe said the driver repeatedly called the boy “gay.”

”When the boy got off the bus, the driver encouraged several other students to go after him and tackle him. Our investigation shows that occurred,” McCabe told The Daily Journal.

He also said the driver is under investigation for joining the students in chasing the boy and grabbing him.

Bourbonnais School District officials would only say the driver has been terminated.

Russell A. Schmalz, 46, is charged with mob action, endangering the life of a child, and battery.

Post Turtle

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75-year-old Texas rancher, whose hand was caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Sarah Palin and her bid to be a heartbeat away from being President.

The old rancher said, "Well, ya know, Palin is a post turtle.'"

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a post turtle was.

The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle."

The old rancher saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain.

"You know she didn't get up there by herself, she doesn't belong up there, she doesn't know what to do while she is up there, and you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put her up there to begin with."

Great Video: "I Love the Gays"

h/t to joe.my.god

National Coming Out Day

Guess what today's is? Yup, my title post gave it away. Today is National Coming Out Day to encourage all lgbt folks to stand up and be counted. But, of course, such a decision is fraught with challenges. And, while coming out once is cool--honestly, if you're lgbt, you'll be doing it for the rest of your life...in conversations, when you book a hotel room, when you're at a dinner party, even when filling out forms and emergency card notifications. So, coming out is a life-long thing that begins with one conversation. Today is the day when all lgbt folks encourage you, if you haven't done so already, to tell someone that you're a fabulous man or woman who likes men and women.

Here is a great video clip I found on The Bilerico Project from last year's National Coming Out Day. It's a hoot.

24-month Dow Jones Chart

This is scary! Click on the picture to see it biggened.


h/t to joe.my.god


h/t to joe.my.god for this post.

The Origins of Lady Liberty

Here is a rant from Patricia Nell Warren against Christianists concerning the Lady in the Harbor. I sure do love reading Ms. Warren. She doesn't mince words. h/t to the Bilerico Project for this post. And to think, I had no idea of the origins of who the lady was, the Statue of Liberty lady.

***

To the creators of that Republican campaign commercial that appropriates the Statue of Liberty -- I've got news for you. You're hawking the wrong symbol. In fact, you're stealing a symbol that actually shoots a big hole in all the fundamentalist churchy propaganda put out by your party during this election.

Liberty is a pagan goddess. Obviously you weren't paying attention in history class. It's spelled G-O-D-D-E-S-S. There's a test on this tomorrow.

The Goddess of Liberty isn't found in the Bible. (If you really studied the Bible, you'd know that.) She comes straight out of Greek and Roman pagan tradition, complete with that toga and sandals. Under the name Libertas, She appeared on Roman coins as an emblem of the emancipation of slaves. She often wore a liberty cap that the newly freed Roman was allowed to put on in a special ceremony at Her temple.

Devotion to Her was revived during the Renaissance and the Age of Enlightenment, when Europeans began to kick off the shackles of state Christianity. Finally Liberty made the leap to the Americas with colonists and founders who were educated in that classical tradition of government by republic. Her image was stamped on the very first coins minted by the new republic of the United States, along with the old liberty cap and our new national motto LIBERTY. And She was on our money for nearly two centuries. It took your Bible-believing friends nearly a century of lobbying to get the motto changed to "In God we Trust" (Act of Congress, 1865).

Next it took your Bible lobby nearly another century to to get that "heathen" (as the lobby called Her) removed from our coins entirely. It was done so stealthily that -- even as She became our national icon, with the Statue of Liberty going up in New York Harbor in 1886 -- the public didn't notice. She was off the cent by 1857, off the nickel by 1912, off the quarter by 1930. Wearing Her liberty cap, She was still on the dime till 1945. As the Walking Liberty, She was on the half dollar till 1947. How appropriate that She saw us through World War II and the victory over fascism. But our government was evidently not grateful to Her for the victory. After 1947 -- poof! She was gone.

Nations always put their most important symbols on their money. Nearly two centuries of a pagan goddess on our money is proof that the United States of America was not "founded under God." If it was -- if your Bible buddies had that kind of clout in 1776 -- our coins would have showcased Jesus from the start.

Yes, Liberty is a pagan. She keeps company with Isis, and Juno, and Tara, and White Buffalo Woman. She wasn't recommended in any Catholic encyclicals. She wasn't touted by Martin Luther, or Cotton Mather, or R. J. Rushdoony. Anywhere that the love of liberty finally awoke in the hearts of thinking Christians in Europe and the U.S., it was because they borrowed the idea of Her from the pagan ancients -- and they knew it was an idea whose time had come because they'd seen the abuses of non-thinking religion up close. Yet some fundamentalists today are eveb talking against Her statue in New York Harbor, calling it the "Whore of Babylon." One day, that magnificent monument to the most human side of our history -- immigrants who came here to find liberty -- may also be demolished.

In your ad, the book that the Statue carries in one arm is not the Bible. It's the pagan Book of Knowledge -- the schoolbook of thinking statespeople who were freeing themselves from coercive belief and enslaving government. The Latin word for book is liber. That's because the great minds of Greece and Rome had figured out that there is no emancipation without education. The torch She carries is another symbol of education. It takes data, not dogma, to shine into the darkness and make things clear for us.

Maybe that's why your party has let American education go to the dogs -- graduating more and more Americans who are ignorant enough to believe all the religious lies and propaganda that they're fed -- including the myth that "America was founded under God."

For us in the LGBT world, the Goddess of Liberty is a life-saving, sanity-saving symbol -- the ultimate icon. To come out, to be honest with ourselves about who we really are, we've had to educate ourselves, little by little. We've had to crack that Book of self-knowledge. We've had to shine that torch into the terrifying, fearful darkness of the closet where we spent so many years.

During LGBT History Month, we deal formally with the tons of old religious dreck that the conservative religion-mongers like you are still try to pile on us -- all the old corrosive, coercive, dark beliefs and misinformation about sexual orientation and gender identity that made each of us live in waking nightmares during childhood and youth in different religions -- that each of us had to leave behind and burst out into our own personal daylight..

It's too bad about you folks who created that campaign ad. You say you want to lead us, but you aren't even free yet.

When a kid does it, it's funnier

A Great PSA Video: Get Out the Vote

Go here to register to vote.

The McCain Surprise

Here is a gut/fear/strategy that I am going to predict about the upcoming election. McCain will dump Palin (or she'll quit or whatever) and choose Huckabee or Romney at the last minute. And, I am thinking this has been planned all along. The Republicans will be so thrilled that there will be a massive and collective sigh as they hope for McCain's entrance into the White House.

Just you wait.

A Tribute: Paul Newman

Somewhere Over the Rainbow

In light of the recent economic woes, I offer this brief break. Here is Jason Castro (remember him from American Idol?). This is the studio version of the song he sang during the show.




This is the shorter version you may remember from American Idol.

Your Urgent Help Needed

Dear American:

I need to ask you to support an urgent secret business relationship with a transfer of funds of great magnitude.

I am Ministry of the Treasury of the Republic of America. My country has had crisis that has caused the need for large transfer of funds of 800 billion dollars US. If you would assist me in this transfer, it would be most profitable to you.

I am working with Mr. Phil Gram, lobbyist for UBS, who will be my replacement as Ministry of the Treasury in January. As a Senator, you may know him as the leader of the American banking deregulation movement in the 1990s. This transactin is 100% safe.

This is a matter of great urgency. We need a blank check. We need the funds as quickly as possible. We cannot directly transfer these funds in the names of our close friends because we are constantly under surveillance. My family lawyer advised me that I should look for a reliable and trustworthy person who will act as a next of kin so the funds can be transferred.

Please reply with all of your bank account, IRA and college fund account numbers and those of your children and grandchildren to wallstreetbailout@treasury.gov so that we may transfer your commission for this transaction. After I receive that information, I will respond with
detailed information about safeguards that will be used to protect the funds.

Yours Faithfully Minister of Treasury Paulson

***
Priceless humor from Angry Bear and a h/t to Daily Dish

Hunting for Sermon Material

I am working on a sermon for this coming Sunday based on the lectionary readings of Philippians 2:1-13 and Matthew 21:23-32. The first reading from Philippians is a passage about having the attitude of Christ in our treatment of one another. The second reading contains a parable about two sons, one who did what he said he wouldn't do and the other who didn't do what he said he would. As I am trying to get my head and heart about these passages, I have jotted down some initial notes and reactions. This is what I have so far:

Having the proper attitude can be interpreted differently depending on who you ask and who is doing what needs to be done. Take Matthew’s text for example, there tax collectors and prostitutes acted more holy than the venerated priests and elders of the synagogues. Having the proper attitude also implies (according to Jesus) that the attitudes will motivate proper behavior. What particular attitudes accomplish this feat?

What are some ways we can be Christ-like? Can this be subjective?

What are some ways that are definitely NOT Christ-like?

Find some examples of ne’er-do-wells who did good things to the consternation of what others may have expected.

* * * *

So, I decided to Google the word 'ne'er do well' and see what I came up with. I found this gem on Urban Dictionary.com that made me laugh out loud. Mind you, it's very offensive and contains vulgarity. I doubt that'll worry anyone who reads this blog but in the event you can't even look at vulgarity, then don't follow the link there. However, if you don't care, maybe it'll be funny to you.

Anyways, so I have lots to think about this week and will begin writing my draft on Thursday. This is how I usually prepare for my sermons: I draft a sermon and lectionary prep 3-months in advance that selects the Scriptures for the particular Sunday. I then come up with a working sermon theme, and then, the week before the sermon is due, I begin to let the sermon ideas formulate and froth in my head. I am at the frothing stage now.

A Critique of the Madness

Here's a good post over on the Bilerico Project about the mass hysteria of our financial crisis on Wall Street.

Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson has put forward a proposition to bail out the finance industry with a price tag at $700 billion.

The plan comes with near-dictatorial power granted to the executive branch, with a huge raid on the treasury with no means of paying for it, with a petulant demand of "Now, now, now!" coming from the Bush Administration, and with no plans for oversight (this time, actually, there's a specific ban on oversight written into the bill).

No plan for an end game, an endless blank check for private companies who have well-placed friends, and more power for the executive branch, all sold by typical Republican hysterics that the sky will fall if their bill isn't passed immediately... what does that remind us of? To me, it sounds a whole lot like the Authorization for Use of Military Force (AUMF), the bill that authorized the Iraq War. (read more)

Republican Re-Orientation

Here's a cheeky flash-card skit:



h/t Bilerico Project

Today Is My Birthday

So yeah, today I am 43 years old. I've not done anything today but lay around watching tv, napping, playing on the Xbox and surfing the web. Not doing anything on my birthday is such a treat.

While surfing on the net just now, I discovered something else cool about September 19. Today is International Talk like a Pirate Day. Here is a joke I just read about today:

Q. What is a pirate's favorite kind of music?

A. "Arrrrr and B."

Hilarious SNL Skit

Perhaps you've seen this already but in the event you haven't, here is last week's SNL skit featuring a dialogue between Sarah Palin and Hillary Clinton.



h/t to Towleroad

Christian Musician Comes Out

Wow, who'd've thunk it? Ray Boltz is gay.

I just love this song.

The Scary Palin Interview

...in case you missed it. Follow the link for videos and transcripts.

http://shakespearessister.blogspot.com/2008/09/sarah-palin-speaks.html

This is kinda painful to watch...

...it's the Backstreet Boys meets Jerry Falwell sorta thing. And, it's also kinda funny too. ;)



h/t to Religion in American History

A Town Called Dobson

I've started reading a new online comic as passed along through the Bilerico Project that I find hilarious. This is today's comic.

(You can click the picture to see a larger version of it.)

Go here to see other ones.

The Show that Changed my Life

This past Sunday, the long-running Broadway musical Rent, ended its 12-year, 5,124 performances, run. Of all the shows I've seen on Broadway, this was by far my favorite. The show has been rumored to be closing for quite some time...and each time, as the last show was scheduled, there was an extension. During one of its supposed closings, I wrote a post* about why I love the show so much. The love I have had for that show hasn't changed much and I still listen to the cast album on my iPod or watch the movie, that was made a few years ago about it.

Here is a song from the show. I hope you enjoy it.

(*Update: I forgot to include the link to my previous post although I had intended to do so but forgot to.)

A Conflict of Value

As most of those who know me know, I am a big fan of Open Source software. I love the idea of free software and esp enjoy that it'll always be free. Who wants to make huge software companies filthy rich off my dime. Besides the upgrade costs to maintain software can get expensive.

Along this thinking, I have installed OpenSource or free utilities on my home computer and laptop. I haven't done so at the church mainly because while OpenSource makes one feel like an Apple artsy/fartsy Matrix-like Neo, it does have its disadvantages. Some of those disadvantages can be troublesome to those who cannot finese their way through various menus or have compatability issues between OpenSource programs.

Mostly for me its a financial thing: buying really good software is expensive. And so, here is my challenge for today. Microsoft just released its new discount for students for its Office Ultiminate Suite, which has almost every product the offer for only $59. Normally the cost would be around $800!!

You know, Microsoft software, its Word, Outlook, Powerpoint, One Note, Publisher... all of it is really nice and workable. To stay with OpenSource stuff can be a pain because, well, it doesn't run as nice or as smooth. Simply put, Microsoft is better software.

Here's the deal, check it out and let me know what you think. Are you challenged by it too?

20/20 Segment on PDA

Being in an openly gay relationship as Jay and I are in, we are careful about how we display our affection--and certainly how we do so in public. Having both moved from NYC, we realize that attitudes are different in New Jersey. Although we live in a very progressive and liberal state, we are mindful that not everyone has the same values and 'live and let live' mentality as those in Manhattan.

So when we're out shopping, going to the movies, or walking Maggie, we're careful not to present ourselves in a way that might warrant negative or hostile reactions. Sure, I am confident that most in NJ are open-minded and peaceful. But it isn't the majority that worries us, but rather the minority of close-minded bigots that carry bats and guns in their pickup trucks. It can be frightening to think about such things so we don't think about it too much while remaining careful how much affection we display in public.

One time not long ago we were shopping at Wal-Mart. While not displaying any PDA, I am thinking we were talking in hushed tones, looking at items pondering whether to buy one thing or another. Such aside displays of affection did not go unnoticed. While checking out, the man behind the register said to us in hushed tones himself, "You two are family, right?" By this he meant that he too was gay but was keeping things on the 'down low'. I supposed to those who are looking, they can see. To those who aren't, perhaps they don't see.

A while back, 20/20 did a television segment on Public Displays of Affection between straight, gay men, and lesbians. All were actors being videoed by the film crews at 20/20. Below is the segment aired on 20/20. You may be surprised at the woman who called 911 upon seeing two men kiss on a park bench. But then, maybe you won't be. Still, it's an interesting video and worth all the conversation about public displays of affection.

Forgetting an Email Attachment

Lifehacker.com has a great post today about adding a script to your Outlook email program (this won't work if you use Outlook Express) or Gmail account. The script looks for words in an email you've typed to include words like "attach" or "attachment" and then checks to see if you actually attached anything to your email. If you forgot to do so (and how many times have you forgotten to attach something only to say "Oops!" in your next email and attach there what you intended to attach before), it'll ask you.

Go here for the Outlook script and directions on how to use it. Go here for the Gmail script and how to use it.

I just did the Outlook script and it was soooooo easy to do.

A Poem

'Invictus'
by William Ernest Henley.

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank what ever gods may be,
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeoning of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find me unafraid.
It matters not how straight the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate;
I am the captain of my soul.

I found this poem after reading a Facebook entry about a young man who died today after being beaten up in an anti-gay attack in England. Go here to read the story. Go here to see the Facebook page.

It's In.... FINALLY!

The new Ikea catalog is in stores. Go here to see some buzz about what's in the new catalog.

I Can So Relate to This

Amazing! And fun to watch.

Here is the making of this commercial.



h/t to Daily Dish.

Great Doorbell

New JibJab: Time for Some Campaignin'

Send a JibJab Sendables® eCard Today!

Stop Animation Short

The Freemason Funeral Rite

I just returned from officiating at a funeral of a church member. The funeral was held at a local funeral home. Following my church service, we had the opportunity to experience a Freemason Funeral Rite. I have never seen anything like it.

To be honest, when I was a kid, I was a member of the DeMolay. DeMolay is a young Mason organization where its rituals were based on Mason teaching--just geared for teenagers ages 13-18. I had a nice time participating in the organization. As an adult, I've had a couple of opportunities to become a Mason but just haven't pursued it with any vigor. Just a few months ago, I was asked to become a Mason. Again, I declined but was curious just the same.

Tonight's rite was an interesting presentation. Twelve Masons arrived and stood semi-circle at the front of the hall and in front of the casket. The lead Mason with a fancy necklace recited what was an obviously memorized eulogy--and it went on for about 15 minutes. It was rather impressive. The rite began with the recital of the 23rd Psalm (which coincidentally was the same Psalm I used in the service). The rite ended with the placement on the deceased of an apron and a fanned arrangement of what looked like minature palms, and a prayer.

The man who died was a lifelong electrician, union member, and high degreed Mason. He had many friends and was greatly loved. What I gathered from the Mason experience was that many of his electrician buddies were also Masons--it was a fraternity of like-minded guys who exercised their civic duties within the organization.

It was all pretty interesting...although not interesting enough to pursue membership. ;)